Monday, August 25, 2008

An Open Letter To Mandy Moore: Part Two

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Dearest Mandykins,
What in the helly hell is wrong witch you?!? First Zac "I like to make women feel inferior because I am an insecure little prick with zero talent" Braff, then Ryan "my face was run over by a tractor and then backed up over again and then beaten with a wiffle ball bat" Adams, and now this?!? I suppose you are upgrading, but very slowly. How many times do I have to tell you-you are Mandy Freakin' Moore! You are beautiful, talented, smart, and you probably make really fantastic blueberry muffins. You can do it all! Why do you insist on settling for busted ass homeless dudes? I mean, really, is there nothing more ridiculous than someone with money dressing like they're homeless? What an insult to homeless people! They wish they could afford a few pairs of Levis, but they can't. And you have these damn rich wanna be scrubs that think wearing the same pair of shorts until they begin growing on your body like a fungus makes them cool. (And yes, I'm talking to you, Amy Winehouse). Point is, quit settling! You should be dating someone smart and funny AND attractive. Like Gael Garcia Bernal. Why don't you give him a ring a ding and see what he's up to. Maybe you guys could go get a double latte no foam extra whip and talk about things like fair trade and weapons disarmament and nonproliferation. You could have stimulating conversation AND sex-without even having to put a paper bag over his head. Cause I know that's what you must have had to do with your exes. Either that or you were working on improving your gag reflexes. Anyway, fugly dudes or not, I still heart you cupcake. You're the best!
Kisses and Bitchslaps,
Mrs. M

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