Friday, September 19, 2008

An Open Letter To Katie Holmes

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What the fuck is wrong with you?!? O.k. Don't answer that. I already know it ends with "OM" and starts with "Tuh". But seriously, how fucking old are you? 65? Because you sure as shit are looking like it. I'm not going to mince words, Katie. You look beat the hell down. Judie Dench has more youthful, flirty looking hair than you do. You look like a sad, pill popping, ARP having Senator's wife who pretends to be ignorant of the fact that her husband is having several affairs behind her back, and drinks the sad feelings away with Vodka tonics and talking bad about her friends. If I were to see you on the street, completely unaware of who you are, I would assume that Suri was your grandchild-not your daughter. For God's sakes woman, get a hold of yourself! You are only 29! Start dressing and acting like it! I am married too but sheeeet, you don't see me getting some depressing ass, tired 80's hairdo and donning seasonal patterned turtle necks. Why? Because I am young! You are only going to be young once (providing reincarnation isn't real, and if it is you might have more lives but are unlikely to remember them). You should have fun with fashion while you still can. If you don't you will be looking back, wishing you did not waste the best years of your life on a man who dumped you for some newer robot and who does not even pay allimony. For the love of Xenu, wake up and smell the lemon water! You being played, girl! I tell you this for your own good. Now put on your tallest heels and run over to the Alexander McQueen store and tell them you are in big time style trouble. They will know what to do. After all, I'm sure they're expecting you.
XoXo,
Mrs. M

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