Thursday, October 9, 2008

If Paris Were President

In the latest issue of Harper's Bazaar, heiress Paris Hilton talks to, well, I'm assuming the morons of the world, about what she would do if she were president.

On her presidential style: “I pledge to support the American workforce by wearing only American designers: Calvin Klein between Memorial Day and Labor Day, Donna Karan the rest of the year. Unless I wake up and the day is screaming for me to put on a bikini for my fellow Americans. Country first.”
On her vice president: “Rihanna, of course. She’s hot.”

What changes she would make to the White House: “In these trying economic times, I believe the White House should have a minimalist touch: open floor plan, glass and steel, throw pillows, and an infinity pool. The inaugural balls will be replaced with an inaugural Rock Band party. For expert-level players only. Don’t even think about getting on drums. I play drums.”

On her presidential platform: “I will carry out a foreign-policy platform that will transform America’s role in the world to that of a proactive, not reactive, superpower that will use diplomacy and incentives to head off trouble in unstable regions before they unravel out of control. I will also be wearing platform shoes when I meet with foreign dignitaries to accentuate my well-toned calves.”

On who will appoint her cabinet posts: “I won’t have a cabinet; I will have a closet. A giant walk-in closet with all styles of advisers, like Michael Kors, Kanye West, Diane von Furstenberg, Naughty by Nature, Stephen Hawking, Madonna, Karl Lagerfeld, and, of course, Tinkerbell.”

Who will stay in the Lincoln bedroom: “I want to put an end to only large financial contributors, lobbyists, inside-the-Beltway fat cats, and corporate bigwigs getting to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom. I will keep that room open only for people for whom it is too late to drive after attending one of my secret-underground-bunker-after-hours parties. ”

On what advice she would give Sarah Palin: “my advice to Sarah Palin is, you’ve got a hot bod; don’t keep it to yourself. Why wear a pantsuit when you can wear a swimsuit? Welcome to the Lower 48, girlfriend.”

Now, normally I would say something about there being no way in hell Crab infested Coochie could ever become the leader of the free world, but ever since Palin became a serious candidate for the job, nothing seems impossible anymore. Actually, between the two, I would honestly vote for Paris. At least she wouldn't try to stamp my uterus "Property of the U.S. Government" and would be pro-gay marriage. A Hilton platform doesn't look so bad in comparison.


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