Friday, February 6, 2009

This is Serious

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I dislike a lot of things: people with full grocery carts in the 10 items or less line, the word "dollop", crocs, meatloaf, rain on your wedding day, a fly in my chardonnay. You get the picture. But if there is one thing I really can't stand-and I mean worse than Mischa Barton-it's George Tears of a Clooney. Such a smug bastard! He just thinks he's so hot and so clever and God's gift to women and he's not. He tries to be all humble like Bob Dylan but we all know when he's saying "Oh, this person or that person was the true joy to work with" what he's really saying is "They can die happy now, because they got to revel in my greatness for a short while. Which as we all know, is greater than seeing the face of Guadelupe in your cereal. It's nothing short of a miracle." Yes, Tears is the worst kind of arrogant. He's the kind that pretends he's not all that and a bag of Ruffles when he more than likely has a shrine to himself hidden somewhere in his basement. And it is because of this faux-humble fuckery that I am simultaneously both appalled and not suprised that Esquire slapped his ass on their Genius issue. Genius! Can you believe it? I guess we're just throwing words around pretty loosely these days, aren't we?
I mean, of all the brilliant people currently living on our planet, they chose Tears?!? Are you kidding me?!? Steven Hawking, Annette Baier, Nelson Mandela, Richard Dawkins, Seamus Heaney, and Margaret Atwood were all busy?!? They could have asked one of my dogs and it would have been a vast improvement from Tears! I just don't get it. How is a man a genius?!? And even if he was a genius, I would highly suggest against telling him he was a genius, for fear that his giant head would fill up with even more air and he'd float right on away. Wait. Actually, that sounds like a good idea. If that's what Esquire's master plan was all along, I applaud them for their evil genius. Otherwise, they are dead to me. Dead I tell you!

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