Thursday, February 19, 2009

VH1 Announces Newest "Rock of Love" Star

It remains to be seen whether or not Bret Michaels will continue his search for that special syphillis on "Rock of Love", but VH1 has let it slip that they have hired a new Rock god to star in the newest installment of their series. And the unfortunate winner is *drumroll please...* Glenn Danzig! Yes, Danzig. Because nothing says metal like trying to find pretend love with a bunch of drunk strippers for television. Anyway, here is the press release from VH1 which confirms the merger:
PRESS RELEASE VH1/Viacom Corp. For Immediate Release Jan. 12, 2009 New Season of Rock of Love to Feature Metal Legend Glenn Danzig VH1 announced today that producers are now filming a new season of Rock of Love featuring metal/punk/horror-core legend, Glenn Danzig. The new show, which will premiere this July, is called "Rock of Love: Bride of Satan with Glenn Danzig." (Jesus that's a mouthful) Danzig is well-known in metal and punk circles as one of the founding members of 1980s horror-core punk rockers Samhain. He went on to the form hard-rock band Danzig, which scored several top 40 hits in the late '80s including "Mother" and "She Rides." Both a singer, songwriter and multi-instrumentalist, Danzig is also well-known for his interest in the occult and all things evil. VH1 producers stated that introducing the element of Satanism would inject new life into the Rock of Love franchise as well as reach a different audience niche -- jokingly referred to by insiders as "the black market." The new series will follow the traditional Flavor of Love/Rock of Love format with a group of 20 women vying for the affection of the celebrity musician. However, at the insistence of Mr. Danzig, the winner will enter into a legally-binding marriage with Satan in a ceremony that is sure to test the limits of basic cable censorship standards. Although network executives are keeping a tight lid on the show's planned shennanigans, a few details have been leaked about planned challenges. These include: goat entrail soup and chili cook-off blindfolded nun deflowering contest sexy seance strip-a-thon virgin or family member: the sacrifice challenge name that heretic .
The lengths some bitches will go to for their 15 minutes of fame! I mean for shit's sake you have to sell your soul to Satan?!? I'm not even sure I believe in God and Satan and I still wouldn't do that. It's some wicked shit! And for what? The love of an aging rock star that hasn't had a hit in over a decade? You'd have to offer me a hell of a lot more than a 1 in 20 chance of pretending to go steady with that bitch. Also I'm sorry if you wind up with "Mother" stuck in your gord all day. That stupid song keeps looping in my head and has become all I can think about.


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