Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I Dream of Velvet

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What is with all the motherfucking velvet?!? I swear I'm this close to having daily dreams of being smothered in swaths of velvet. It's absolutely everywhere! And why? It is not only one of the least flattering fabrics ever, but have you ever gotten caught in the rain wearing velvet? If so you know that you're pretty much fucked. It becomes like a damn Gremlin when it gets wet and weird things happen. Strange things. Bad things.
That's not to say that velvet is always bad. When I was younger my grandmother had a red velvet couch the same color as these pants. She used to let me stay up Saturday nights and watch "Tales from the Darkside". I would always eventually fall asleep on said couch, sliding so far into the cushions I was this close to entering a fictions land ala Narnia. And once you were in there you were gone. They'd have to send search parties in looking for you. My point is, a red velvet couch was cool. Kind of kitsch. But red crushed velvet pants? Not so much. This whole thing right here is basically what you would see any 58 year old middle management chick wearing to her annual Holiday Christmas party. And being high waisted these pants would naturally acsentuate her pooch resulting in a look that could only be described as fancy mom jeans. After all, if they're making that 65 lb model look like she needs to be hitting up Bally Total Fitness, I shudder to think what they would look like on a regular non-ano 60 year old woman. The only good thing that has managed to come of this velvet filled fuckery is that it gives me a reason to post this:

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