Tuesday, March 10, 2009

No Wonder She Looks So Damn Miserable

Meet Dameco. She would like you to know that she does not masturbate. She used to. But she doesn't anymore. You see, Dameco is a member of the Passion for Christ Movement. And according to them, sex, like almost every other thing on Earth, is bad, wrong, dirty and evil. Before being hypnotized, err, inducted, into the P4CM, Dameco was an avid masterbature. But thanks to them, she is overcoming her 7 year battle with touching herself.
In January, the 22 year old decided to share her "struggle" the way that any young adult chooses to work through their issues: via her myspace blog. Her account, entitled "Overcoming Masturbation", spoke of how God delivered her from this sin. Since then, people from all over the world have been writing in saying that they too have battled with this "sin" and did not know they could be free from it until they read her testimony. Dameco has even been featured on 2 radio shows as a result of chit chatting about her affinity for playing solitaire. Of course she has! What else is she going to do with all the damn free time she has on her hands (pun intended)? She's got to do something.
And why is masturbation such a sin? You'd think Bible beaters everywhere would be behind stirring the sauce. Otherwise these cats might be tempted to have sexual relations and accidentally get pregnant with little heathen babies. And although I am royally aggrivated at the "sex=shame" message this bullshit church is going on about, I'm truely furious about the "Ex-Homosexual" shirts they are selling on their website. Being homo is not like having the fucking flu. You don't just get a daily dose of Jesus and are suddenly "healed". It's just the way you are. And just like a straight person can't catch the gay, gays cannot catch straight. That's just how it is. And yes, I am both a scientist and a doctor.
Anyway, you can check out Dameco's testimonial below. And to answer your question yes, she does admit to humping floors. Oh, and by the way, this movement also sells "Ex-Slave" shirts. Don't even ask me what the fuck that is supposed to mean. I have a feeling it will just piss me off more. All I know is if I had to admit everything I did that was a "sin", I'd need like, ten of those shirts front and back. At least.


Madam Miaow said...

May I suggest that all former female aficionados of frottage take up charcoal sketching as that may sublimate residual urges. They will be delighted to discover that their third finger, right hand, is well equipped with all the subtle micro-muscles necessary to smudge those lines and save their immortal souls in the process.

So I'm told.

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