Friday, July 24, 2009

Kendra Wilkinson Is Getting All Memoiry or Whatever and Stuff

Tolstoy, Thompson, Sinclair, Woolfe-these are all names that can be associated with the great art of writing and the power of the human connection. However, that was before a new novelist stepped onto the scene who will surely blow her peers out of the water and single handidly revolutionize the way we read. I am of course talking about none other than girl next door, Kendra Wilkinson. The newly married, newly pregnant former live in girlfriend of Hugh Hefner is set to pen her memoirs at the ripe age of 24. “I feel like the luckiest girl in the world." said Kendra. "I have a husband I adore, a baby on the way, and now my memoir is going to be published!” The book, which will be published by Simon Spotlight Entertainment, will take readers through the journey of Kendra's long and fruitful life, including her childhood years, her time with Hef, her experience filming The Girl's Next Door and her new marriage to Philadelphia wilde receiver Hank Baskett. "The memoir will be a humorous, relatable, fish-out-of-water tale that captures the spirit of one of the most beloved Playboy cover models in history,” says the release. Jennifer Bergstrom of Simon Spotlight Entertainment promises more of the same saying, “Kendra is so genuine and funny that her memoir is sure to be unique, refreshing, and a reflection of the woman so many people have fallen in love with.”
Oh if those Playboy mansion walls could talk, the stories they could tell! And I wish they would because I'm sure their version of the past would be much more eloquently spoken and appropriately delivered. Then again, who knows. Perhaps Kendra's stream of conscious writing will change the way literature is produced. No longer will novelists have to struggle for the right words and phrases. Instead they can take the Kendra approach of simply saying whatever diarreah of the mouth happens to spew from the brain. For example, I'm sure this will be at least a portion of Kendra's fourth chapter entitled "Where did I put my favorite pair of cutoff denim shorts?":
"Dear diary, I can't find my shorts! They are my favorite pair and I really wanted to wear them to the mansion party. Oh look! A quarter! I should make a wish on it. No, wait. I'm thinking of the penny. Why don't they just get rid of the penny? It's like, we don't even need it and stuff. You know what we do need though? An alarm button for shorts you can't find. Maybe I should invent that? I bet I'd make a lot of money. And then I wouldnt have to ask for Hef for an allowance anymore to buy half shirts and thongs. You know, for something that has very little fabric, my clothes sure do cost a bundle. Maybe I should oooh a Taco Bell commercial! I could go for Taco Bell. You know whose cute? That taco bell dog. Although I've always wondered why it says "Yo Quiero Taco Bell". I guess Yo Quiero means Taco Bell in Spanish? So it's like "Taco Bell, Taco Bell!" Ha ha. That crazy taco bell dog must be like Tommy Two Times from Goodfellas. He has to say everything twice. I should start doing that. Cookies, cookies. Butter, butter. Desk, desk. Shorts, shorts. Where are my shorts?!? Oh wait! Silly me! I'm wearing them! Now if I could only find Hef's respirator, we'd be all good. Ah, fuck it. I found the shorts, that's all that matters. Frog, kitty cat, Bread, paper, mountain. The End.


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