Sunday, August 16, 2009

Complex Magazine Names Top Ten Butterfaces, Remain Hypocrites While Doing So

Every year the assholes that work at Complex take precious time away from jerking it in their mother's basement to "Weird Science" and "Star Trek" reruns to compose a list filled with the top ten female butterfaces in Hollywood. Just in case you do not know what a butterface is, Webster's defines it as an individual that as a hot body, but a fug face. It is a derivative of the phrase "everything but her face". Get it? It's a joke. How clever. I bet it took a whole bathroom break from a 4 day World of Warcraft marathon to come up with that stroke a genius.
Anyway, while their annual list is always filled with massive fail, this year it's just downright incomprehensible. Sure you have the regulars like Fergie and Lil' Kim, but calling Chloe Sevigny, Tila Tequila and Scary Spice fug is just plain inexcusable. Sure I loathe Tila Tequila, but I wouldn't say she's fug in the face! (Just fug on the inside-where that gaping hole that is supposed to contain a soul would be) I mean, comparing Lil' Kim's jacked up Frankenstein face to Chloe, Lady GaGa or even Scary Spice is just plain absurd. If these girls are considered fug, what does that say for most other girls in the world? And since when have the beer belly bloated, Russian mail order bride ordering, detached from reality fucktards at Complex been the gold standard for what a woman is supposed to look like? Just because you have to bribe your cousin to go out in public with you just so it looks like you can actually date a real (not "Real") girl doesn't mean you have to go insulting a bunch of hot chicks. I mean really. Where do these assholes get off? They are 2's or 3's at best, yet they have the nerve to tell a girl to bag her face? GTFO! Just because you don't have a chance with a girl doesn't mean she is a butterface. It means she has a shred of dignity. There's a difference.
Ugh, I tell you, any woman that would dare let any of those dumbshits near her lady business is either deaf dumb and blind or has major daddy issues that could not be fixed with round the clock therapy. Women of the world, I call upon you to be the leaders of the great resistance. Just say no to letting Jonah Hill clones tell you that you are lesser than while picking the Popeye's they ingested as a light morning snack a few days ago out of their teeth. It's time we stop letting the Jim Belusi's pretend that they in some way deserve to marry, date or criticize the Courtney Thorne Smith's of the planet. I mean telling a girl to bag her face?!? Is there anything more degrading? Besides, what kind of fucking message is that to give to the women of the world? "I know you're the best version of yourself you can be and all, slaving away at the gym for hours at a time, but you are nothing until you have a plastic surgeon hack into that face of yours and pull and prod and poke until you are good looking enough to fuck face to face"? As if they even could. I'm sure the writers over at Complex have guts larger than a 9 month pregant woman, but it doesn't matter what they look like, right?
Anyway here's Complex's list compiled with a bunch of gorgeous women (and Lil' Kim) who they are calling out as disgustingly fugfaced. What say ye about this?
10.) Brooke Hogan
9.) Buffie the Body
8.) Tiffany "New York" Pollard
7.) Chloe Sevigny
6.) Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown
5.) Tila Tequila
4.) Lil Kim
3.) Fergie
2.) Vida Guerra
1.) Lady GaGa
Oh, and I thought I would add this just to drive the point home. This is seriously what they are suggesting. It is beyond insulting and disturbing and quite frankly, it makes me ashamed to be the same species as the writers at Complex.

ALSO, just to prove my point, here are some of the hot, sexy bitches who write for Complex. Is that Brad Pitt? No, it's Complex's
Bradley Carbone!

Why, is that Djimon Honsou? No, silly! It's Complex deputy editor Damien Scott.

Is that George Clooney in the middle of a sex sandwich? No, it's Deputy Editor Brendan Frederick

Whose that fug faced cross eyed bitch that looks like Chris Daughtry after getting his face smashed in by a bag of nickels? Why it's Executive Editor Peter Rubin.

Who needs Massengil when you have Tony Manero's mentally challenged cousin, Associate Editor Joe La Puma. What's five plus five Joe? Oh, so sorry. No the answer is not Kentucky but better luck next time.


Daners Isadora is Lindsay's Spy Girl Name said...

Thank you!

This is the greatest thing ever written. And, as usual, you speak the truth!

Mrs. M. said...

I am so glad you liked it! I was worried people might think it was a little over the top and feminist, but when I saw a bag over Brooke Hogan's face on their website I felt a rage wash over me.

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