Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Curious Case of Lizzi Miller

This is a photo of 20-year-old Lizzie Miller. She is featured in the September issue of Glamour in order to represent all the regular sized ladies out there. Since the article written by the mag is reeeeeaaally effing long, I'm going to go ahead and give you the jist of things:
Once upon a time Lizzie was all boo-hooey about her body. Like most of the women in America she spent a good part of her life bashing her bod rather than treating it like the wonderland John Mayer would most likely insist that it is. One night, while Lizzy dreamt peacefully, the acceptance fairy paid a visit to her and sprinkled a bunch of love yourself dust all over her ass. When she finally awoke she gave herself a once over in the mirror and was all "Dayum girl! You fine!" Consequently because she loved herself, others started to love her. Even the tellers at the DMV, who famously hate everybody.
While Lizzie was busy trading in all her old, matronly fug clothes for itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikinis, the editors of Glamour sat in their conference room pondering their next big idea. "How about doing an article on accepting your body for how it is?" suggested a green young intern. "No! That's a stupid idea!" replied the editor in chief. "I have a much better suggestion. What's say we do an article on accepting your body how it is?" Upon uttering those words the room erupted in applause. "But it has to be someone pretty. Preferably someone who looks like film star Elizabeth Banks. We can't be having no ugly chick representin'." "That's right." said one of the magazine contributors. "Being different shapes and sizes is one thing, but being ugly? There's just no excuse for that." After they all agreed that average and plus sized people rule and fugly people suck, they gave Lizzie, who had appeared in Glamour once before, a ring a ding ding. Of course she agreed to do the shoot, so long as she could be photographed sitting in the middle of her bedroom hysterically laughing at nothing and no one.
After the September issue hit shelves, women across America went batshit crazy for Lizzy and her luscious physique. They were all "Hurray for Glamour! You guys are the shit for showing what a real woman looks like!" Unfortunately Glamour did not hear the congratulatory cheers, because they were too busy counting their phat ass bank rolls. And everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Elizabeth Banks who is probably seeing these pictures as we speak and getting a serious case of the worries because this Lizzi chick stole her face. The End.


Madam Miaow said...

Stole her face? That's nuthin'. Jessica Alba stole my body. And I want it back!

Mrs. M. said...

That is terrible! I know what you are going through-Halle Berry stole my bank account. It's a cruel world.

Anonymous said...

I've always been a fan of plus-size models! There's a great site with lots of images of plus-size models here:

They're all gorgeous.

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