Saturday, August 15, 2009

Joseph Gordon-Levitt Looks Like a Homeless Vet Who Will Wash Your Wipers for Change in Nylon Guys

I know you guys probably thought I was just being funny or simply asking a rhetorical question a few weeks ago when I asked you where for art Joseph Gordon Levitt's hotness. However I am being totally serious when I say that all breadcrumb trails leading to his hotness have gone cold. I am now calling off the APB on his sessiness and order that we stop searching completely. Too much time has elapsed and the chances of his hotness surviving the brutal winter that is yet to come are slim to none. And loving you like I do dear reader, I fear that if you travel too far into the depths of despair that you will be sucked into the funnel of fug that has obviously claimed Joseph and suffer the same fate that he did. I mean really, take a good, hard, long look at this editorial of JGL in the September issue of Nylon Guys. He looks like a cross between Tom Hanks in "Castaway" and Jared Leto's pubic region. Scruffy, matted down, defeated and definitely full of eight legged parasitic creatures. It's not a good scene. Not a good scene at all. And to be quite frank I am getting ridiculously tired of freakin' indie hipster boys and their insistance on fuging it up. Just because your hair is greasy and you haven't showed in weeks and you're wearing the same flannel shirt you've been rocking for a month straight does not make you a beautiful or unique snowflake. It just makes you look like a douche who can only be considered smart and artsy if he looks the part. God I would just love to shuttle JGL's ass on over to Darfur and teach him a good lesson on taking advantage of what you've been blessed with. If you can take a shower, take a fucking shower! Not taking a shower does not make me think you were too busy reading Tolstoy to be bothered. It makes me think your dick smells like Jonah Hill's sweatsock. Sorry if that's mean, but you know I speak the truths.

Just in case you haven't lost all hope:


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