Thursday, August 20, 2009

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan


Dear Lindsay, formerly known as Working Actress,
What the hell is up Lindsay? For serious. Once upon a time you were a beautiful young actress with a bright future and the world at her feet. Now look at you. You're hot mess city. It isn't enough that you had to go and flush your career down the toilet along with your dinner and a regurgitated bottle of Grey Goose, but now you have to go and start royally fucking with your face. What gives?!? I know you may not have people around you that have the cojones to call you out, but that's just because they are a bunch of money grubbing famewhores that don't want to upset their mealticket. Someone needs to tell you though because at the rate you're going I'd expect you to look like the corpse of Donatella Versace in another 5 years. And believe me, that is no compliment. You need to get your shit together missy in a bad way. The first step would be to die that rat's nest straw weave of yours back to red because clearly the blonde is giving you a boatload of bad juju. Second, step the fuck away from the plastic surgeon. For God's sake you are only 23 and you look straight busted. In fact you look so wronged out that if you told me homeless people and daytime hookers stuck dollar bills in your open cup of coffee while giving you the sigh and head tilt that only people pittying others give I would totally believe you. Which leads me to my third and perhaps most important point: gain some fucking weight. I get that you are trying to get attention by remaining so rail thin, but I got news for you honey: no one cares anymore. Sure a couple of years ago everyone was all "OMG! Lindsay Lohan makes that skeleton from my biology class look like an obese fatass in need of gastric bypass!", but not anymore. Truth is people are totally over it. We have more important things to fret over like the war in Afghanistan and whether we should part our hair on the left or the right. And thanks to all that damn restylane you had injected to your lips yesterday I want to ship you up and send you off to Walter Reid so that an injured soldier can rest their weary ass on your post surgery memory foam donut pillow lips of yours. So in closing, shit or get off the pot, bitch. Either deliver us some acting or gtfo already. And for God's sake, while you're at it enough with the fake tanner. I'm beginning to feel like that 3 eyed fish from The Simpsons who has been exposed to too much radioactive material.
Kisses and Bitchslaps,
Mrs. M

3 comments:

Ms. Case said...

Crack me the fuck up! Isn't it the truth! Amen to all of the above!

Jesiah said...

"I want to ship you up and send you off to Walter Reid so that an injured soldier can rest their weary ass on your post surgery memory foam donut pillow lips of yours"

HAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH LMAO

...brilliant.

Daners Isadora is Lindsay's Spy Girl Name said...

Thank you. I needed this. I haven't laughed this hard in a while.

 
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