Friday, August 14, 2009

So Violent!

I am totally pissed at The Enquirer. Now I know you're probably thinking how wrong it is to make fun of the magazine equivalent of a mentally disabled person, but nonetheless I am indiscriminately displeased with their recent cover involving Kate Gosselin and her alleged rage filled screamfests with her eight young children. First off, if it's you against eight of anything you better have your big girl pants on cause you are already heading into battle with a majah disadvantage. Not to mention the fact that although the kids have tiny feet, they can hide in small crevices and play shadow games because there are so damn many of them. Why do you think we don't play sports eight against one? Well, I suppose we did at one time but those were gladiators and another matter entirely.
Anyway, while I certainly do not condone violence against children, what I condone even less are a bunch of sneaky snake paps lurking creepily behind a bunch of rocks just waiting until Kate makes a face that looks even remotely threatening. And say what you will about Kate but everyone should know by now that she always has perpetual bitchface. That's just how she rolls. And can you blame her? One minute you're thanking sweet 7lb 8 ounce baby Jesus with his little Baby Einstein developmental toys for the wealth he has bestowed upon your family and the next you find yourself raising a baseball team alone beause your husband decides he'd rather play find the Vienna sausage with his cooch flashing, blunt smoking, over priveleged, home wrecking barely legal trick. And all because his chubby balding ass decides he has the luxury of not raising his children because he's having some sort of selfish midlife crisis. (And yes, if you have that many children under the age of ten 32 is most likely considered "mid life".) Call me a feminist, call me a hypocrite, call me whatever, but doesn't it seem that The Enquirer should be calling out Jon for being too busy planning his fucking birthday party with Ed Hardy in Vegas instead of Kate who is actually home making sure their children have someone to raise them? Come on Enquirer. I knew you employed a bunch of soulless fucktards, but this is beyond the beyond. Even for you.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, the last time I read the New England Journal of Medicine, a Little Debbie addiction was not considered a "disease", so I'm pretty sure Kirstie Alley's going to be A-ok.
And one more thing: It's great to see how much weight Britney Spears lost in four whole weeks. You know, since May. Of 2008. I suppose addition and subtraction is just as difficult for OK Magazine as telling truths is to The Enquirer?



Emily said...

I think I'm laughing more at that ridiculous photo of Paula Abdul lol!!!

Mrs. M. said...

ikr poor Paula! i'm not so secretly hoping AI tanks next season without her.

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