Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Maggie Gyllenhaal Probably Hates You

I'm not going to sugarcoat things: Maggie Gyllenhaal seems like a total bitch. And this, my dear, lovely friends, is why I love her oh-so-much. Actually, I take that back. I don't love her because she's a bitch so much as I love her because she does not give an effidy eff if you like her clothes, her hair, her face or her family. She will spit in your eye, make you cry and shame you into apologizing for being a pansy ass. She loathes the paps, the word "A", days of the week, oxygen, cars, you, me, life, Earth, and anything and everything else that has ever or will ever exist. Yep, Maggie is one cranky angry bitch and quite possibly my soul mate. I realize that the love I have for Maggers is most definitely, unequivocally NOT mutual and yet I love her still because she is different. She's not making kissy faces and begging us to like her. In fact she's daring us not to. Approval means nothing to her nor does fame and fortune. And while some may argue that the world would be a much better place if we all learned to get along I would aptly disagree. Not everyone is made of fluffy bunny parts and sunshine rainbow kisses. As hard as we may try, some of us, like Maggie and I, are bitches by nature. It's in our blood. It's who we are. We might give you the shady side eye and judge others but dammit, at least we are keeping it real. Not loving you to your face and talking smack behind you're back. Maggie is the type of girl who will tell you she doesn't like you and although you may think she's a cunty McBitchface for it at least you will respect her for having the cojones to be up front with her feelings. So here's to you, Maggie Gyllenhaal, strolling the streets of NYC looking like Anne Hathaway's haute hipster other half. Oh, and if you happen to run into Maggie on the street, please tell her I love her. Then immediately run, because chances are she's about to mace you. But don't take it personally. That's just how we say "hello, friend" in Bitch.


Keith said...

I like Maggie. I do like how she plays by her drum. She's going to do what she wants. I admire that.

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