Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Robert Pattinson is People's Sexiest Man Alive

Soooo, Robert Pattinson aka Jawline aka Angles McGee has been named People's Sexiest Man Alive. Suprise, suprise! As if anyone didn't see that one coming. Now I'm not saying I disagree with the mag's choice, but I will say if they thought for one cotton picking minute that anyone on planets Earth, Mars, Jupiter OR Saturn did not expect them to choose Edward Cullen as the hottest dude in our solar system, then they are about as dillusional as this chick:

Oh Nutty Madam! Didn't your mother teach you that if you make that face for too long it will probably get stuck like that? I'm also getting a big kick at how desperate some fans are to find out New Moon spoilers. These chicks are busting blood vessels trying to figure out what will transpire between Kristen Stewart, long haired child boy/man body, and Jawline and it's like, I have a solution for you: read the book! You can probably find it at this thing called a library. It's a big building that holds books. You know, those paper thingies that people back in the day used to play with before the invention of twitter, PS3 and Wii. Googlemap that shit and find one nearest you!
Anyway, in honor of how absofuckingnotly shocking Jawline being named the Sexiest Man is, here are a list of things that are equally as suprising as him being named the hottest dude to ever seem like a complicated individual to pre-pubescent teenage girls. Again, I'm not saying Jawline isn't fine as a mofo. I'm just saying I liked this look better ten years ago, when it was called the Jordan Catalano:
Things That Are More Suprising Than Robert Pattinson Being Named People's Sexiest Man Alive:

-We breath air
-John is a name
-You are alive
-I am too!
-If you are reading this, you can read.
-"R" is a letter
-Dog is God backwards
-You will blink today
-Blue is a color
-At one time, you were a fetus
-The roadside assistence guy I have been waiting for the past three FOUR hours that was supposed to get here two three hours ago is poor at time management
-Your body is equipt with an aortic valve
-Sea creatures cannot drive thru a McDonald's To-Go window
-Bill Maher is an asshole

-Apples are for eating, not for driving
-You should not exfoliate with burning charcoal
-You see with your eyeballs
-Marilyn Monroe was blonde
-Marilyn Monroe is no longer living
-Marilyn Monroe is not a a piece of furniture
-Neither is fire
-Or ice
-Or thoughts
-Water is wet
-Adrienne Grenier is a terrible actor
-So is Madonna
-And Vin Diesel
-And Ben Affleck
-And about 93% of Hollywood
-Not including Meryll Streep
-"Psycho Killer" by Talking Heads is one of the best songs ever
-Fingernails are on your fingers
-Toenails are on your toes
-Towtruck companies are unreliable, hence the free time I had to create this list.


Emily said...

Haha, I love this post. And yes, I do think RPattz is crazy sexy- but I don't think Edward Cullen is as sexy as RPattz... get my drift?

Lol, I definitely thought he was an ugly mofo at one point, like when he was in Harry Potter. Now... I understand the hype I guess.

Lindsay a.k.a Busty St. Clair said...

"Number one: Stephanie Meyer IS A GENIUS. Yeah-huh, yeah-huh"

Oh, I just about died. That is going to be my comeback at EVERYTHING. As is:

"Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over today?"

"Number one: Stephanie Meyer IS A GENIUS. Yeah-huh, yeah-huh."

"Lindsay, are you going to do any work today?"

"Number One: Stephanie Meyer IS A GENIUS. Yeah-huh, yeah-huh."

Also, "You ungrateful little fuckwit"

Roadside assistance always pisses me off.

And I am so sick of seeing Angles McGee everywhere. I want the Sexiest Man Alive to always and forever be Agent Fox Mulder circa 1995. Back before I knew of the creepy old man he would become.

Aliers said...

Angles McGee! hahahahaha! I've never heard him called that before. Hilarious.

I didn't watch the video, because I'm a little afraid of what I might see. I'm all the crazy I can handle right now. Other crazy people make me nervous :)

Can I throw in a vote for Matt Bomer? He is hawt!

Mrs. M. said...

omg you guys are too much! I totally get what you are saying Emily about Robert being hot but Edward being not. In the movie he looks a little deranged. (You do not know how bad i wanted to finish that with "he looks a little derange, my love!")
And hell yes Lindsay that should be all of our new mottos!
"Paper or Plastic?"
"Stephanie Meyer is a GENIUS!!!!"
Aliers, I had to google Matthew Bomer, only to realize that he is Bryce Larkin on Chuck. love that show! I cannot wait for it to come back on.

Stephanie said...

I am so not a Robert fan at all. How the heck can he be the sexiest man alive. Really, are you kidding me? This Twilight frenzy is about to drive me mad. What happened to real vampires? Please tell me. (Sorry for the rant).

Mrs. M. said...

i think lots of people are wondering the same thing, Stephanie. Bring sexy back! And the vampires! Where is Anne Rice when you need her? (Answer, writing nonfiction Christian novels. Seriously.)

leahb said...

HAHAHAHAH I LOVE NUTTYMADAM! Please, I recommend every video she's ever made. It really brings the lolz. I think my favorite is the one where she attacks Stephen King b/c he was willing to tell the truth and say that Stephanie Meyer can't write for shit.

Also, yes, Rob's hot, but all the hype around his hotness really kills my attraction to him, you know? And also I agree with what was said about him not being hot as Edward...maybe that's because Edward has no personality and is about the dullest fictional character of all time.

Keith said...

Hey Mrs. M. I just don't get the fascination with Robert. Maybe being a straight dude gets in the way of me understanding what so many people find sexy about him. But there are plenty of men that I understand why people find handsome and sexy. He's just not one of them. Oh well.

Mrs. M. said...

you are totally correct leah-i also find Edward to be the dullest, most lifeless and uninterresting character in a long time. THe whole movie his face looked so wierd. Like he reallyreallyreally had to pee, but was trying to hold it in lol.
And you're not alone on that one Keith. There are so many guys that are considered hot and I just don't get it. It is interresting to see how sexy has changed over time although im sure most women would choose the guys you admire (Dean, Sammy, Frank) over the Roberts of the world any day.

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