I want-nay-I NEED to be friends with Bai Ling. Yeah, that's right. Why the hell wouldn't I? This girl is the best kind of bananas. She is a 43 year old woman that wears tutus to Hollywood soirees (like this outfit from last night's Movie Meets Media 10th Anniversary event), blows kisses at imaginary friends and has double citizenship in the U.S. and at her home planet, The Moon (her words, not mine). In her free time she loves dressing up in fake diamonds and furs, taking pictures of herself MySpace style, and playing with her pet tiger. That's right. I said tiger. As in those things that go "roar" and can eat your head in one swallow. Bai is like a younger, modern day Miss Havisham and I fucking love it. So if one of you out there ever runs into Bai's unbelievable ass you better get her number or at least point her in my direction. And if she tries to resist you, politely reassure her that I am a friend, not foe, who comes in peace. And if that doesn't work, just tell her you have some candy. She seems like a Jolly Ranchers kind of girl if I do say so.