Eau de Coke

Did you know that Jonathan Rhys Meyers had a cologne out? I sure didn't. Although I must admit I'm not suprised. After all, he probably only sleeps at most 2 hours a day. I can just see his ass hanging out in his basement at all hours the night thinking things like "You know what we need? What we really, really need?!? A pencil that never needs sharpening! A pencil that lasts forever! I can't believe nobody has made that yet! It would make millions! And think of all the time you would save by not sharpening. Hours! Maybe days! I could build a ship in a bottle, or wait, no! I could build a ship! Yes, I am totally going to do that. And you know what? I'm going to dig my own ocean to sail it in. Yeah, that can't take more than what? A day, maybe two? Shit, man. My own fucking boat in my own fucking ocean! Brilliant! You know what else I could use? A resin resistant mirror. That doesn't scratch! I would save so much and never have to buy another mirror! That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to create a resin resistant mirror to take on my boat that I'll sail in the ocean. And I'll get a parakeet for when I get lonely. And I'll teach it to speak in five different languages. French, Spanish, Farsi, Dutch and Romanian. No-Latin! Yeah, fucking Latin, man! I'm going to buy a parakeet, teach it different languages and sail with it around on my boat in my ocean while using my resin resistant mirror. Hell yeah! I'll be like Blackbeard and shit. But without the beard. Why hasn't anyone else thought of this idea? It's fucking genius!"
Anyway, here's Mr. Meyers at Macy's in NYC yesterday looking completely sober and not at all fuuuuuuucked up pimping his cologne that probably smells like Camels, Baking soda, visene, sweat, sex, and crazy.

I'll Have to Pass

You know, I have something to say. Something you might not want to hear. But since I like to be nothing but brutally honest with you dear readers, I'm just going to come out with it. Orlando Bloom looks like a 15 year old. Girl. He looks like a 15 year old girl. And not a butchy, soft-ball playing, open a stubborn jar of spagetti sauce kind of gal, but a giggly, dorky, throwing training bras at The Jonas Brothers, squeal at a mouse type of 15 year old girl. I know that's sort of hypocritical of me, because I also have 15 face, but what can I say? It's the truth. And the truth hurts. And while I'm on the subject, might I also say that Leonardo DiCaprio has 15 face as well. But unlike Orlando, Leo is the put a freshman in a locker, soccer playing, Minor Threat listening, turning straight girls lezzie sort of way. Basically Leo is the Sam Ronson to Orlando's Lindsay.
Anyway, here's Orlando on the set of his latest film "Sympathy for Delicious" asking his manager when (oh when?!?) he's going to hit puberty.

Girl Next Door Kendra Gets Her Own Show

While it has not yet been officially announced, word on the street is the first Girl Next Door to get her own reality show is Kendra Wilkinson. Sources spotted Kendra in Tampa Bay for the Super Bowl, filming for her new series. Although a name has not yet been revealed, it will more than likely air on E!, the same channel that produces The Girls Next Door. The show will follow Kendra's post-Playmate career, as well as her upcoming nuptuals to Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett this summer.

Aretha Has Made Fashion History

It was announced earlier that the Jason Wu gown that Michelle Obama wore to the innaugural ball will be immortalized in the Smithsonian. Now Aretha Franklin may be getting her own spot in fashion history. The museum has asked the diva if she would donate her now famous Luke Song bow hat that she wore for the historical occasion. However, Aretha says she's going to have to think about it. “I am considering it. It would be hard to part with my chapeau since it was such a crowning moment in history,” says the Queen of Soul. “I would like to smile every time I look back at it and remember what a great moment it was in American and African-American history. Ten cheers for President Obama.” Aretha’s hat has already inspired a line of toppers, recreating her custom version in different colors and bow size. If Franklin decides to donate the hat to the museum, it will become part of an exhibit of President Obama’s Inaugural display along with Michelle’s gown.
Now I can understand wanting to hold on to a special piece of history, but doesn't Aretha want to make the thousands of people who visit the Smithsonian every year giggle just a bit? I mean, I practically grew up in the museums in D.C., and I can tell you those places are lacking a little hilarity. Therefore I would be in favor of not only donating that hat, but creating an entire wing devoted to it. You must give it the respect it deserves! That being said, I can't wait to see what else they're going to collect from the historic day. A used tissue of Obama's? Beyonce's tampon? Some of the air in a jar? Do tell!

I'm Gonna Have to Go Ahead and Say No...

Elisha Cuthbert: I just don't get it. I know plenty of people go ga-ga for her ass, but I just don't see what they're seeing. Not only does she look average, talk average, and dress average, but she seems boring as hell. I mean, if you aren't the hottest bitch on the block, you should at least be the baddest, or smartest or most talented. At something. Anything! Basket weaving, stamp collecting, I'll take just one thing. Instead she seems to be pretty much just mediocre at all the above. Which in my book doesn't cut the mustard. And why is she even in this magazine. Has she even done anything since that crap ice skating movie she did a few years ago? I mean at least something that hasn't gone straight to the bargain bin at Blockbuster? Anyway here's Elisha Cuthbert (even her fucking name is boring) in the latest issue of Complex magazine. Yawn.

Fashion is Dead: Toby Keith Killed It

Forget everything I have said in the past about all the celebrity clothing lines that have come out. Avril Lavigne, Mel B., Alyssa Milano, I take back ever saying that their clothes were the worst thing that has ever happened to fashion. There is a new aborter of fashion on the prowl, and he goes by the name of Toby Keith. The country singer will launch his TK Steelman clothing line of consisting of-are you ready-sleeveless t-shirts in February. The line, which Keith plans to market to Target, Wal-Mart, Kohl’s and Macy’s, will feature long-sleeve shirts, t-shirts, polos, sweatshirts, jeans, cowboy hats, baseball caps, bandanas, belts, leather wrist straps and will target men aged 25 to 54. A press release describes the clothing as “part rocker and part biker with a ‘country sexy’ (barf) aesthetic”. The line will offer several types of sleeveless shirts, the singer’s signature style, by special request of Keith, who for years has torn the sleeves off his own shirts. Keith will launch his line on Feb. 18 at his restaurant “I Love This Bar & Grill” in Harrah’s Las Vegas.
He just couldn't go killing Bambi like he usually does, could he? He just had to come along and slaughter fashion. Bastard! However, like I've said before, no matter how much I disagree with Toby Keith's views on...well, pretty much everything, I have to say I respect him. His is the only motherfucker (save for Kathy Griffin) who has the balls to take his ass to Afghanistan to entertain the troops. And I'm not talking about Camp Cupcakes and Sunshine where they have BBQs every day and toss the volleyball around. I'm talking all up in the mountains in the daaaaanger zone. My husband isn't a TK fan, but let me tell you after 16 months of living on straw and rocks and shit, you pretty much dig anyone who takes the time to come see you. Especially if they don't get all special demands and Evian water and thirty armed bodyguards on your ass. Which TK didn't. So while I think a Toby Keith line of sleeveless tees is pretty much as trashtastic as you can get, I can't hate on him too much. Sadly.

Milla Jovovich in S/S 2009 Vs Magazine

Is it just me, or does it seem as if Milla Jovovich has been around for 843 years, but manages to only get hotter with time? I truely think that like her Fifth Element character Leeloo, she is a divine being not of this Earth. Anyway, here's the actress/model/mom/clothing designer/singer in the latest issue of Vs Magazine looking Flawless as usual.

It's Freaky Bitch Bale's Birthday Today.

Thanks to the absolute outpouring of feedback I got regarding the other days post on Gerard Butler (on both here and The Insider), I now know where all of your hearts lie: In you pants. And I love you for that. And becasue I love you, I thought it necessary to create a picture post on the biggest DILF on the face of the planet, Christian Bale in honor of his 35th birthday today. Besides, with all the strictly female hotness for Slacker Chic of the Week, I thought you guys might be able to use a little testosterone.
Anyway, as we all know, C.Bale loves going to extremes. Be it through physical aspects (wielding a chainsaw, pistol whipping someone, becoming an ano insomniac, getting dragged by a truck, etc.) or psychological (his performance as Arthur in Velvet Goldmine is not to be missed), Bale is always willing to go there. And as fine as his ass is, we are more than happy to go there with him. And since Freaky Bitch Bale switches up his look in nearly all his films, there's a Bale for everybody's taste. Personally Reign of Fire Bale is my favorite, but what can I say? I'm a sucker for beards and dudes who can get down with the get down. Which he certainly does. Furthermore, you can just tell that Freaky Bitch Bale is hella good with the business. All the business. Probably shit we've never even heard of. I can just tell. He reaks of sex so much that I can smell him from here. Anyway, happy birthday you freaky, freaky bitch. I'm sure your lovely lucky wife has something special planned for you. Like a punch in the face. You know that's what he really wants. Freaky bitch.
And despite the fact that sadly, you are not hitched to FBB, I present to you this gallery, to inspire you to think of all the ways you'd wear his ass out.
*clicky clicky on the smaller pics for full sized Bale hotness*

Anna Faris Is Engaged

One of the dopest women on the planet (and former recipient of the only award that matters, "Stonette of the Year" at High Times Stony Awards in 2007), is off the market. The actress' rep comfirmed that she is betrothed to fellow thespian Chris Pratt (Bride Wars, Everwood). In August, Faris told People of the 29-year-old Pratt, "He's awesome. He's a great, great guy. I feel really lucky."
If the two indeed go through with it, it will be Anna's second marriage. In 2004 she married Ben Indra, but divorced him in 2007 citing-what else?-irreconcilable difference.

Gorgeous and Gorgeouser

I have just two words for you: Toccara & Mary Carey. Alright so that is three words. But the point is, these two glorious ladies must have known that I was suffering from severe hotness withdrawl, what with my husband being gone and all. I'm pretty sure they felt it was their civic duty to cheer me up and make me smile. Mission accomplished.
Now if you will excuse me, I will continue watching "Screamers" about the Armenian genocide of 1915 staring my part-time boyfriends, the men of System of a Down. Uplifting stuff, I know.