Little Orphan Zoe Surfaces!

Finally! I was thiiiis close to scouring the Earth for little Hansel & Gretel moth ball trails in search of the precious, the precocious, the perfect Little Orphan Zoe Kravitz. Her father, some random rocker dude named Lenny (I'm sure you've never heard of him) shot this picture of LOZ for the April issue of Vogue Russia. I don't think anyone can refute me when I say this biatch looks flawless. If ever there was a posterchild for Slacker Chic, this chick is IT. Now, I don't speak Russian, but I'm going to go ahead and translate that jibberjabber into what I'm sure it reads: "Zoe Kravitz reveals why Gus & Jaq went to rehab, how she makes couture gowns out of matches and pocket fuzz, and the mystery behind Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo."
Tell me this picture does not make you feel as if you should be sitting front row watching Joe Cocker mumble his way through his Woodstock set. It has "Free Love" and "Make Love Not War" written alllll over it. Love this girl.

Madonna Travels to Malawi for a Little Baby Shopping

Just look at the sparkle in little David Banda's eye as he sees his father for the very first time since 2006. Clearly he's thinking "Ooooohhhh. So you're one of those 'poor people' mama talks about. Your hut is nice though. Not as nice as my six London homes with live in nannies and chefs, or even as nice as my stroller, but nonetheless, it's ai'it."
D.B.'s mommy Madonna is currently all up in Malawi yet again, this time in the hopes of finding a beautiful baby girl to complete her Malawian baby bookends. In a just-released statement from Madge's spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg, the Material Senior hopes to adopt a girl named Chifundo “Mercy” James, who is about 4. The girl’s 18-year-old mother was unmarried and died soon after she gave birth, according to the child’s uncle, John Ngalande. Her father is believed to be alive but has little contact with his daughter.
Listen, I don't mean to put Madonna down because what she's doing-saving a child from poverty is wonderful and amazing. But what's with picking the kids who have families? I must applaud her however for not insisting that baby Banda be estranged from his father. It takes a big woman to do that. I certainly can't say that if I brought a child into my home and raised it like my own I wouldn't feel threatened by the child's relationship with their biological parent. So kudos to Madgers for her generosity of spirit and selflessness. Sincerely.

I Die...Of Digust

Anorexic shriveled sea monkey Rachel Zoe has managed to crawl up from the mossy rock from which she was spawned to trademark the phrase "I Die" as the brand name for her soon to be released shitty ass granny bag whore clothing line. Little has been revealed about the upcoming brand, except for a statement by the shriveled sea creture herself who claims the line will be "100% affordable". (To which tax bracket exactly?) The creature from the fug lagoon also said the brand will be inspired by her own "personal style". Great. Just what we need. A bunch of ano bo-hoes wearing maxi dresses and jewelry that outweighs them by 33 poounds.
And "I Die"? Bitch please. I've been using that phrase well before she traded for the Scarsdale Diet for Adderall. I Die. Pft. I bet her homo husband came up with that one. And don't even try to tell me he's not gay. Even if he didn't used to be, one look at that shriveled sea monkey naked has the magical ability to turn any straight man into Rip Freaking Taylor.

DRIZ!!!!

I have only one question about this Lady GaGa interview last night on Canadian Idol: What? Seriously, what? The "Poker Face" singer stumbled on stage, looked totally disoriented, and stood there gripping her mic most of the time like a hopeful Star Search contestant. It was apparent to everyone that Lady G fumbled because she was a complete and utter hot driz mess! As a result G has landed in the hot seat with today's Canadian news publications who are mocking her bizarre performance. At one point during the interview, the host basically asks G what it's like to be an instant celebrity to which G answers in a hushed tone "Well...I love you all so much. Thank you." What the hell kind of an answer is that? What are you, Michael Jackson?
On a seperate note, I'm fortunate enough to get all the Canadian channels and Canadian Idol is sooooo different from American Idol. All the judges are like Paula Abdul on that show. In other words, no matter how crappy the contestants do, they tried their darndest and that's good enough. None of this destructive criticism. Not that it's suprising. Canadians are quite possibly the nicest, most gracious people on the planet. Although I will say "Congratulations! You're going to Ontario!" doesn't have the ring to it that "You're going to Hollywood!" does. But it's a tradeoff.
ALSO! Here's another video of the singer acting waaaaaay bizarre. Someone please tell me what is with the damn whisper? Is she the lovechild between Michael Jackson and freaking Breathless Mahoney. Speak up or say nothing! And I'm not saying Lady looks like she's riding the white snowy mountains in this interview... but she looks like she's riding the goddamn snowy white mountains. Slow your roll Lady G before you wind up crashing your car into lightposts, wearing sheer leggings as pants and dating a grouchy lesbian DJ.

Someone Give Me a Nail File-Andre 3000 is In Jail!!!

Noooooo!!!! Not my Andre 3000! Anyone but him! Mah baby aka Andre Benjamin aka Daddy Fatsacks aka Sir Luscious Left Foot aka the coolest cat on the planet was arrested in Gorgia this weekend. Guess what for. Drugs? No. Hookers? Hell no! DUI? Not even! Bitch was nailed for speeding. Speeding! Cool Cat was busted for doing 109 in a 65 mph zone. CC was taken to the Henry County Jail where he took a mugshot, posted $1,200 bail and was eventually released.
There is some injustice all up in here. My husband totally got busted on his motorcycle for the same thing. Same speed and all. He didn't go to jail but the money we had to spend for the lawyer and fees and shit was a crime. I know it's a bad thing to do and all but when you have a motorcycle or a damn Maseratti, how can you expect someone not to go fast. That car, just like my husband's motorcycle, was merely fullfilling it's destiny in life to go fast. It was serving it's purpose!!!
God, that sad face of his pains my heart. A sad Andre 3000 is like seeing a wounded kitten. Unatural!

Your Heart is Broke, He Has Some Glue

It must be hard to be Jared Leto. Digging up Kurt Cobain's body every week just to steal his old clothes from his corpse must get soooo tiring. Between that and pretending to be all sensitive to bed naive women, I don't know where he finds the time to sleep.
And before you even start correcting me yes I know Kurt Cobain was cremated. It was just easier to call JL a graverobber than to go through the trouble of saying "breaking into his house, rummaging through his belongings and taking what he considers to be the dirties, smelliest, grungiest looking outfits after comparing them to the items in the 'I am rich but I like to look really, really poor so people think I'm artsy and shit' Handbook." Although I probably could have just come to the assumption that he bought all of El Cobain's clothes in bulk from CLove for a nickel bag of weed, a half empty bottle of Dilaudid and a pack of Marlboro Reds. Either way Leto is biting hard (hard) on the whole 90's tortured artist coffee drinking rainy Seattle anti-metal thing. And if you don't believe me, look at what his entourage is wearing in the background. Flannel and Chucks!!! I might make fun, but that's basically been my wardrobe since I was like, 12. So I suppose I have no room. Glass Bitch Houses, you know.
Now if you will excuse me, I must watch Empire Records while listening to Pearl Jam and L7 in a babydoll/kinderwhore dress and Doc Martins as I run my fingers through my greasy ass hair and talk about the Space Needle and Lolapalooza. Ah the 90's. They were the bestest ever. Honestly.
Oh, and in honor of the Leto, I thought I'd dedicate this song to him. It's like it was written speciafically for his ass!

God Hates Britney Spears. Because He Has Nothing Better To Do I Suppose.

This shit right here. These children that are too young to even wrap their child-like brains around a word like "fag". If you ask me (and you didn't but whatever) the parents of these children should have their spawn immediately removed from their custody. I mean what is worse than poisoning the mind of a child with hate and brainwashing them to think they are holier than thou? Really. That is a question. If this isn't mental child abuse, then I just don't know what the hell is.
Anyway these children belong to the Kansas church known for protesting everything from the funerals of American soldiers to the high profile funerals of some celebs. This time the hyporcrites who apparently have never cracked open a Bible are having their kids do the dirty work for them, protesting Britney Spears' upcoming performance April 2nd in Kansas city.
"Just you wait -- YOU WILL EAT YOUR BABIES!" reads one portion of the news release from Westboro Baptist Church. "Britney will REALLY try to get custody of her hell-spawn back when she gets hungry enough! ... God Hates Britney Spears!" Seriously, I don't even know what any of that means. Baby eating?!? What the hell kind of person even thinks of something like that? The answer is a deeply disturbed one. Most likely a person who, oh, I don't know, is combating years of emotional scaring by parents who spent more time talking about hate than love? Just a guess.
The church, which claims to have staged 40,173 demonstrations since 1991, last made Washington news in December, when it capped off a series of religious skirmishes in the state capitol with a request to post a sign there claiming that "Santa will take you to hell." LOL
I hate these people with every fiber of my being. I truely do. It's people like them that make me seriously question that whole "Freedom of Speech" thingy.
Oh and by the way, I'm sure hating Britney Spears is God's number one priority. Why worry about the homeless or the starving or the afflicted or the wars or rapes or injustices that plague the world. God is too busy hating Britney Spears.

Somarta for Japan Fashion Week

Three Words: Lace and Leather!!! Brit Brit Spears certainly did unconsciously inspire both fashion designers and fashion lovers alike when she dropped the single praising the sweet and sexy appeal of the juxtaposing fabrics. Here models on the catwalk for Somarta's A/W collection rock the latest in lace and leather and also looking like steely, dangerous, neck snapping fembot warriors. In other words, your one and only pleasure, all decked in lace and leather.

















And just for fun, the song that inspired it all.

Courtney Love Sued for Smack Talking

Courtney Love's tendacy to talk has gotten her into trouble yet again. This time the rocker is being sued for, among other things, slander, for talking crap about a designer she hired. In papers filed Thursday in Los Angeles Superior Court, Dawn Simorangkir, who runs a sportswear line called Boudoir Queen, says Love asked her to create a wardrobe for her, but then got angry when the designer sent her an invoice. CLove was so offended that she took to her twitter and myspace to verbally assault the young designer. Simorangkir alleges that CLove called her a racist, cocaine-pushing hooker and even threatened her life.
Love then hatched a "plot to destroy Simorangkir," writing "malicious and false statements" on the Internet, claiming the designer "sold drugs, is a drug addict, has a history of selling cocaine, has a history of assault and battery, has a record of prostitution, has committed grand theft . . . was deemed an unfit parent, lost custody of her child, is a racist and homophobe . . . [and] is a danger to society," the suit states.
In addition, "Love publicly made the menacing and disturbing statement that Simorangkir will be 'hunted til your [sic] dead,' " according to the suit. "Whether caused by a drug-induced psychosis, a warped understanding of reality, or the belief that her money and fame allow her to disregard the law (word up_, Love has embarked on what is nothing short of an obsessive and delusional crusade to terrorize," the suit claims.
It also states that CLove refer to Simorangkir as a "vile horrible lying bitch" and "the nastiest lying person I have ever known . . . [a] total scumbag."
The lawsuit charges Love with libel, invasion of privacy, intentional infliction of distress and breach of contract and asks for unspecified money damages.
Um hello? You are talkng about CLove! She's the girl that will smoke all your cigarrettes, sleep with your boyfriend, steal your clothes, and grafitti the inside f your house with lipstick. She also wants to be the girl with the most cake, but that's another story entirely.

NOT The Other One

If I was a twin, I would find it ridiculously annoying being confused with my other half. Now if I was a fraternal twin aka not identical and people were too lazy to tell me from my sister, I would probably have bitched slap someone in a harsh manner by now. Yet so goes the life of an Olsen. Just Jared and, well, pretty much every other online rag it seems is declaring this, Queen Ashley as Mary Kate. Laze! I honestly don't know how people cannot tell these two chicks apart at this point. It's like confusing me with Bebe Zahara Benet. Perhaps Queen and The Other One looked the same at 4, but at 22 they have grown into completely differnent looking chicks. Allow me to illustrate:
Mary Kate

Ashley

Mary Kate

Ashley

Mary Kate

Ashley

Mary Kate

Ashley

Mary Kate

Homeless Man

Ashley

Mary Kate

Ashley

See how simple that was? Easiest thing ever! Geez Just Jared and co. Do your homework. Or open your eyes. Blind ass motherfuckers.

This Damn Bodysuit Has More Miles Than Paris' Vagina

UGH! I have had enough of this damn leopard print bodysuit first of all. Between ScarJo wearing it in Allure to Katy Perry sporting it in Esquire and now Christina Aguilera wearing it for that fat cow Perez Hilton`s 31st Birthday Party, it is becoming the most worn out shit for spring. I am seriously about to call Agent Provocateur myself and demand that they stop selling them. Too much of a good thing becomes an annoying thing.
Anyway, since we can't do anything about it right this very instant, I must know, who wore it better? Scarlett Johansson, Katy Perry or XTina?

I Am Tempted to Believe This

Method Man recently got into some trouble with the government for neglecting to pay $52,503 in back taxes. His excuse? He was high! What else? Consequently Meth aka Iron Lung aka Tical aka Johnny Blaze temporarily lost his 2008 Licoln Navigator. The NY Daily News reports:
When the state Department of Taxation showed up at the Staten Island native’s home at 6 a.m. March 19 with “four NYPD cops and the repo team,” Meth told the NY Daily News. “I knew why they were there. It wasn’t like ‘Oh my God! Noo!! Don’t take it!’ like it is on that TV show [“Operation Repo”]. I was half-dressed, and it was so early that I just said, ‘Okay, you’re taking the truck. … Aight.’”
The back story, according to the rapper, is simple. “Myself, I’m a pothead,” he said on the set of a video shoot for his new album, “Blackout 2,” with Redman. “It’s no secret. Everyone knows that. I go on the road and forget everything else. Sure, [the tax department] sent letters to my house saying, ‘We need this money.’ They started sending them in 2002. Here it is, 2009, and I never paid this shit because I don’t think like that!”
“I could have easily just written them a check for whatever amount, but no — I waited until they knocked on this door and were like, ‘We got your truck and we outta here,’ ” he laughed. “Now I’m thinking we’ve gotta get our truck back, which means I have to get all my paperwork together,” the rapper continued. “That means days of going through mail, ’cause I got mail like woah.
I’ve found checks from 2005 that have never been opened yet. And we’re talking a significant amount of money! But I never opened [the tax department’s] letters … so this is how the tax man came to Meth’s house and took his truck. Not because I was broke! I got plenty of money!” When the paper referenced the famous Afroman song “Because I Got High,” Method Man just laughed. “Exactly!” he said. “Because I got high, I forgot to pay. It was stupid. I’m an idiot for that.”
Um...first off, why don't these people hire a thing called a "tax accountant"? That would be like the first thing I'd spend money on if I were rich! Second, I love how his excuse to the state department was "Oh shit! I'm so sorry I forgot to give you the money. I was too busy smoking the illegal marijuana." Why not tell them you are also involved with cock fighting too? Finally if this were anyone else, I would roll my batty eyes and be all "bitch please". But not Meth. Oh no. That man's veins have no blood-it's all THC. It's the air that he breathes. So I'm tempted to say he's telling the truth.
Geez all this talk of Method Man is making me want to challenge my husband in some Street Hoops. We used to love that game. Every time Da Rockwilder came on, we knew it was time to get down. The Blackout was totally our shit back in 2000. And Tical 0: The Prequel? Don't even get me started. My husband played that out. Oh and who remembers Method & Red? I know somebody does. That show was adorable. Love the Method, Man.

Whatever It Is I Think I See Becomes a Tootsie Roll to Me

Holy crap man. Every time I see Lily Allen she gets thinner and thinner. I just want to pick her skiny ass up, glue her to the dashboard of my car and watch her bobble, bobble, bobble as I drive over speedbumps. She's become all head-very Christina Ricci. She must really be a dedicated Pilates student. And by "Pilates" I mean she's on a strict diet of booze, coke, gum and air. Allegedly.
Anyway The Incredible Shrinking Brit is all up in the April/May issue of the Fembot's bible "Bust". In the interview she talks about her new album, her mum and how God's favorite band must be Creedence Clearwater Revival because "they're beardy men and they all look like Jesus." Hmm...I wouldn't have taken God for an appearances matter sort of guy. Then again you never really know somebody, so He very well might be. Or he may love The Fugees. Who knows.

Time to Vote for Slacker Chic of the Month!

It's that time again. Time to vote for who you think deserves the prestigious honor of snagging Slacker Chic of the Month. I expect this one to be a tough call, seeing as how stiff the competition is. You've got an Oscar winning gender bender, a punk singer that pays homage to the rock rebels of yore, Afghanistan's first ever girl band, and a tatted up pin up that challenges the stereotype of beauty. Who do you think is the baddest biatch on the block? Here are your choices:
Tilda Swinton

Jemina Pearl

The Burka Band

James Suicide

Voting is at the poll to the right. Have fun!