Scarlett Johansson, Because She's Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson was spotted looking like a jajillion fafillion dollars the other day in a cute pink floral dress and some sky high stillettos. In other important news, ScarJo breathed today, ate something, and most likely used the restroom. Stay tuned for tomorrow's enthralling ScarJo post where I detail her toothbrushing habits and disect her blinking. Don't laugh. You know I totally will.

Lindsay Lohan Plays with Guns & Faces Jail Time. What Else is New?

I hate that I love these new Lindsay Lohan photos taken by Tyler Shields. I really, honestly want nothing more than to look at them and feel pure disgust in my heart, because the logical part of my brain is sick of LiLo's face, name and shenanigans. However, Tyler Shields IS a mothereffing genius and (despite wanting to say differently) Lindsay CAN work her rapidly aging shit out when she wants to. Therefore it is with simultaneous self-loathing and girlish giddiness that I say these pics are kinda the cat's meow. Ray bans, lingerie, guns, and dark haired dames-Mr. Shields must know these are a few of my favorite things!
In other Lindsay news, TMZ is currently reporting that the "actress" might be headed to the clink for violating her parole. The troubled starlet has not been showing up for the alcohol education classes a judge ordered her to attend once a week after she was busted for DUI last year. Judge Marsha Revel has warned the perpetual badgirl she'd be tossed behind bars if she failed to comply with the probation terms. State law requires the alcohol-ed school to inform the judge only if a student is absent for 21 days, and Lohan has frequently scammed the process by waiting until the 21st day to show up for class, according to TMZ. Lohan's lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, denied she has a probation problem. "We have received no negative written report from the program and contend Ms. Lohan is therefore in compliance," she told TMZ in an email. But Lohan faces a progress hearing in court on May 20, and, as TMZ puts it: "Lindsay met the school's requirement, but squarely violated the judge's order." Knowing Lindsay though she probably thinks her ginger ass can strut into jail in a striped PVC v-neck and perform unrehearsed syncronized dance routines with her Cry-Baby-esque cellie. I got news honey: If you think jail is like Lady GaGa's "Telephone" video I got news: IT AIN'T! Two weeks in the hole and you'll be crazier than Tobias Beecher after an unwelcomed ass branding. Until then, keep up the bitchin' photoshoots.

Kristen Stewart is Smokin' in Flaunt Magazine

Kristen Stewart sure is smokin'-and I don't just mean cigarettes! My beautiful bitchfaced baby is looking hella flawless in the latest issue of Flaunt magazine, showing the world that she's all grown up and ready to rock. From teen queen to metal momma, Kristen is (like I always say!) the purrrfect example of how to evolve into a true lady without losing any edge. I don't know about you guys, but I swear I fall more and more in love with this chick every day. In my eyes she's the warm, welcome, bright alternative to the bleach bottle blondes and tanorexic bubbleheaded celebs that have been shoved down our faces the last few years. Kristen's got style, she's got class and most importantly, she's got her own personality and opinions: a lesson more young girls could learn from!

Marion Cotillard for Citizen K Spring

Riddle me this: If this is supposed to be the Beauty issue of Citizen K magazine, why does the normally flawless Marion Cotillard look like an emaciated pre-pubescent girl with scurvy and/or some other Dark Ages disease? And what is up with her manboy in the oversized skivies? Is this what the hell passes as sexy these days? All appologies but if you ask me, ain't nothing hot about a bunch of weak starving people who can manage to afford Prada but can't gt it together enough to purchase food, proper shelter or at the very least running water and electricity. Geez. What do you think, readers? Are you a fan of destitute dames or do you prefer your models to look a little less like something Sally Struthers scraped off the street?

Christina Hendrix Tells the Men of Esquire What Women Want

I know you guys luv Mad Men's Christina Hendrix. Her curves, her personality, her je ne sais quoi-there's just something about the fair skinned beauty that gets tounges and tails a waggin'. Therefore since she's such a hot ticket here, I know just you're going to love this new photospread of the raven haired temptress from May's Esquire magazine. In the issue, Christina spills her gills in a lovely advice-filled Letter to Men. I'm not even going to waste time blah blah blahing. I'll just let you read this gorgeous gal's go-to tips on how man can make women and themselves, happy. This is the word of the Hendrix. Thanks be to God.
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We love your body. If we're in love with you, we love your body. Your potbelly, everything. Even if you're insecure about something, we love your body. You feel like you're not this or that? We love your body. We embrace everything. Because it's you.

Speaking of your body, you don't understand the power of your own smell. Any woman who is currently with a man is with him partly because she loves the way he smells. And if we haven't smelled you for a day or two and then we suddenly are within inches of you, we swoon. We get light-headed. It's intoxicating. It's heady.

We remember forever what you say about the bodies of other women. When you mention in passing that a certain woman is attractive — could be someone in the office, a woman on the street, a celebrity, any woman in the world, really — your comment goes into a steel box and it stays there forever. We will file the comment under "Women He Finds Attractive." It's not about whether or not we approve of the comment. It's about learning what you think is sexy and how we might be able to convey it. It's about keeping our man by knowing what he likes.


We also remember everything you say about our bodies, be it good or bad. Doesn't matter if it's a compliment. Could be just a comment. Those things you say are stored away in the steel box, and we remember these things verbatim. We remember what you were wearing and the street corner you were standing on when you said it.

Never complain about our friends — even if we do. No matter how many times we say a friend of ours is driving us crazy, you are not to pile on. Not because it offends us. But because it adds to the weight that we carry around about her.

Remember what we like. When I first started dating my husband, I had this weird fascination with the circus and clowns and old carnival things and sideshow freaks and all that. About a month after we started dating, he bought me this amazing black-and-white photo book on the circus in the 1930s, and I started sobbing. Which freaked him out. I thought, Oh, my God, I mentioned this three or four weeks ago and talked about it briefly, but he was really listening to me. And he actually went out and researched and found this thing for me. It was amazing.

We want you to order Scotch. It's the most impressive drink order. It's classic. It's sexy. Such a rich color. The glass, the smell. It's not watered down with fruit juice. It's Scotch. And you ordered it.

Stand up, open a door, offer a jacket. We talk about it with our friends after you do it. We say, "Can you believe he stood up when I approached the table?" It makes us feel important. And it makes you important because we talk about it.

No shorts that go below the knee. The ones almost like capri pants, the ones that hover somewhere between the kneecap and the calf? Enough with those shorts. They are the most embarrassing pants in the world. They should never be worn. No woman likes those.

Also, no tank tops. In public at least. A tank top is underwear. You're walking around in your underwear. Too much.

No man should be on Facebook. It's an invasion of everyone's privacy. I really cannot stand it.

You don't know this, but when we come back from a date, we feel awkward about that transition from our cute outfit into sexy lingerie. We don't know how to do this gracefully. It's embarrassing. We have to find a way to slip into another room, put on the outfit as if it all happened very easily, and then come out and it's: Look at me! Look at the sexy thing I've done! For you, it's the blink of an eye. It's all very embarrassing. Just so you know.

Panties is a wonderful word. When did you stop saying "panties"? It's sexy. It's girlie. It's naughty. Say it more.

About ogling: The men who look, they really look. It doesn't insult us. It doesn't faze us, really. It's just — well, it's a little infantile. Which is ironic, isn't it? The men who constantly stare at our breasts are never the men we're attracted to.

There are better words than beautiful. Radiant, for instance. It's an underused word. It's a very special word. "You are radiant." Also, enchanting, smoldering, intoxicating, charming, fetching.

Marriage changes very little. The only things that will get a married man laid that won't get a single man laid are adultery and whores. Intelligence and humor (and your smell) are what get you laid. That's what got you laid when you were single. That's what gets you laid when you're married. Everything still works in marriage: especially intelligence and humor. Because the sexiest thing is to know you.

Scarlett Johansson Models Mango's Spring/Summer Line

Iron Man 2 may not hit theatres until May 7th, but you don't have to wait that long to get a Scarlett Johansson fix. The longtime Mango model and favorite girl 'o mine is currently featured on the clothing brand's website wearing their new Spring/Summer collection. Among the pieces are easy, breezy dresses and lots flowy florals. The question is, all ScarJo obsessions aside, what do you guys think of the new looks? Personally I love the prints and find the fabrics to be extremely condusive to summer weather. I'm especially fond of the white lace dress. If you ask me, Mango really knows how to mix practicality, femininity and vintage beautifully.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is Beautiful in Black & White for May's Angeleno Magazine

I don't even have to admit it because you guys already know: I am a self proclaimed Gyllenhaalic. I'm Gyllenthralled when it comes to the gorgeous, the bitcherific, the pee in your cornflakes cuntface that is Maggie Gyllenhaal. As a fellow grumpy girl I find Maggie to be as delightful as a basket of clouds and dead sunflowers (loveliness to ladies like me and Maggie) therefore it should be no surprise that I was pleased as punch to see the "Crazy Heart" star all up in the May issue of Angeleno magazine. I don't know if the "Moe" is the most flattering hairstyle for my girl (someone tell Suri Cruise they are jacking her style), however the pics are stunning, the fashions are fab, and Maggie-bless her cold, cold heart-is actually smiling. No worries, I'm sure she's just thinking about stealing candy from babies or kicking someone with a broken leg.

Jennifer Aniston Launches New Fragrance, Lolavie

Jennifer Aniston sits along the beach in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico in this new ad campaign for her fragrance Lolavie. The 41-year-old actress will promote her first ever fragrance, Lolavie this summer, including an appearance at UK’s Harrods in June to mark the launch. The former "Friend" spoke about her latest venture to WWD. Here's what she had to say about the decision to launch her new scent, what it smells like, and if she sees any more beauty products in her future:
On the fragrance process: “It’s been a year-and-a-half journey. I’d been asked to do things before, and it never felt organic. But when Leon [Falic, president of the Falic Fashion Group] approached me to be involved with the process from inception to fruition, I thought, ‘This could be a creative expression.’ And it’s turned out to be an extension of myself as opposed to slapping my name on something… It wasn’t just about showing up for a shoot and putting my name on a bottle. I felt like a little chemist.”
On the aesthetic she aims to bring to her fragrance: “The first perfumes I ever wore were Miss Dior and Anais Anais. My mother wore Calèche and my grandmother used a body splash that came in a big yellow jug that she kept by the bathtub. Those were very strong scents. Now I am not a big perfume-y fragrance fan.”
On how Lolavie smells: “It’s a nonperfume perfume. Sexy and clean. Floral, but not too flowery. I want people to go, ‘What is that? You smell great!’ But most of all I wanted it to smell natural.”
On the fragrance field being crowded with celebs: “The way I was approached, given such involvement, I never felt like, ‘Oh, gosh, I shouldn’t do this,.’ And if something is good, it doesn’t matter if the marketplace is crowded. I thought it was an opportunity to go behind the scenes, and if it feels good, why not go for it? It’s like being a producer and knowing the writers and stirring up ideas as opposed to being an actor for hire.”
On why her perfume is called Lolavie: “It’s a long story and honestly it’s too personal to tell but it has special significance.” (There is a phonetic similarity to “l’eau la vie,” which means water life in French. The Lolavie bottle was also inspired by the waves at the beach.)
On expanding beyond one fragrance: “Oh, anything’s possible. I would hope [Falic and I] get to do many things together.”
On if she envisions creating a Jennifer Aniston House of Beauty: “(laughs) I don’t know about that. I’ll stick with Lolavie right now and we’ll see how it slides up the flagpole.”
On the potential for even more exposure with the launch of the perfume: “I don’t think you can control that at the end of the day. You can’t stunt what you do to please or not please the public. And the media will create stories whether they are true or false. So why stop doing what makes you happy? Be true to yourself and everything else will follow.”